The subject of anger came up, and I want to talk about it today because left unresolved, anger can be the cause of simmering resentment, bitterness and envy; it can wreck marriages and careers, it can separate us from our friends and family; it can fester as an underlying, all-pervading unhappiness; and it can make us sick.
So, what to do? Do we even have control over our anger? There are those who say we don't, that it's 'bigger than us', or overwhelming, impossible to control; but I believe, as in everything, we have the power of choice. What we choose to do when we become angry dictates how well we express it and how well we move on from it.
The problem is we're generally not taught what to do when we feel anger. It's easy to know what to do when we're joyous ... we laugh, we light up, we bounce with energy, we smile. Being joyous is a universally accepted emotion and everyone approves; they've done so, right back to when we were little. We've pretty much always had permission to be happy.
Ah but anger ... again, right back from when we were little we learnt that anger somehow is not really acceptable. It doesn't look nice, it doesn't sound nice, and it's scary. So we learn to push it down. We learn not to express it, until suddenly, the tiniest thing will be enough to let it all out. And just like a volcano erupting we explode. The relief can be enormous ... but the destruction can be just as catastrophically huge. We want the relief, but who needs that kind of volcanic aftermath?
Here is what I advise my clients. It's not new, I didn't discover it, but it works.
The secret is to feel it. That's right. There's nothing wrong with feeling anger. It's a perfectly acceptable emotion just like all the rest. The thing is we need to recognise it as we're experiencing it and we need to express it safely right then and there. Did someone jump the queue, take your car park, buy the last loaf of bread just as you were about to grab it and you would have beaten her to it only you stopped outside the store to help a little old lady cross the road? Oh the injustice, right?
Feel it. Don't swallow it, tighten your lips, furrow your brow and clench your jaw as you stride off in a huff to the next shop muttering curses under your breath. Feel it. Feel it right then and there and let it go ...
So how do we do that?
One of the easiest ways to let go of anger is to simply breathe it out. As you feel it rising, take a deep breath in ... and let it out. Relax your shoulders as you do it. Wiggle your jaw and let it loosen. Be aware that what you're doing is letting go of the anger and you're feeling it leave with each out breath. You keep doing this until you feel that it's dissipated. You can't stop half way ... you do it 'til its gone. If it wells up as you catch sight of the woman with 'your' loaf of bread at the checkout, start again. Breathe it out. Relax your shoulders. Unclench your jaw.
This technique really works; give it a try. If it's not enough and you still feel angry after all that breathing ... get out of the supermarket now! Remove yourself from the cause. Physical exercise helps. You can stamp your feet, you can pretend you're running to catch the bus, you can take the stairs ... up. If you're at home chop the wood, clean the house, join the kids on the trampoline, dust a rug with a whopping great lump of wood or take the dog for a very fast walk. Go to the beach and scream into the wind. Grab a pen and write it out with complete and utter abandon. Find what works for you but feel it. Feel the little stuff and feel the big stuff. Really feel it and really let it go.
And never forget ... we're only human and we slip up all the time. Forgive yourself! You're learning! You're trying, giving it your best shot and having a go. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, apologise sincerely to those caught in the crossfire and give it another go.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I would love to read your comments on any of my posts, or on a session you've had with me. Hope to hear from you!